Psychotherapist Amanda Falkson explains the potential pitfalls associated with a sudden windfall – whether that be through a lottery win, an inheritance or a business sale – and why undergoing wealth counselling might be a wise course for those who find themselves in this position.
“Mo money, mo problems” sings The Notorious B.I.G.
And in these words, he captures some of the unknown reactions that can go hand in hand with coming into a significant windfall.
On the surface, this can seem incongruous.
We equate having lots of money with having lots more ease in our life. We welcome more ease to take care of ourselves and our loved ones better. It’s soothing to feel the extra ease to ensure the essentials are taken care of. Finally, who doesn’t love the ease to splash out and treat ourselves to the finer things in life we desire?
But this is only one side to the wealth coin.
Society sends mixed messages about money
Society has always had a contradictory relationship with money.
From our younger years, many of us have goals and expectations placed on us by our parents and teachers. These often revolve around working hard, embarking on a good career for ourselves and doing well. There is a lot of well-intentioned meaning in these expectations to accumulate money and build a happy life with it.
There is a lot of well-intentioned meaning in these expectations to accumulate money and build a happy life with it
Later on, our peer group will influence us. Again, money will play a big role here as we seek to remain on the same level as our closest friends and family members. We’re a social species, after all, and we stay social by having lots in common.
So, working diligently, and saving and investing well, is one of the core messages we imbibe.
But sometimes wealth comes with a darker side no one wants to speak about.
Just one example is how anyone with wealth can be classified as the 1%. This term comes with a charged energy and it’s used with derision.
Unexpectedly, people who become wealthy can discover that their relationships become strained. Additionally, they may find that people’s attitudes to them changes, at times seemingly overnight, once they have money
Unexpectedly, people who become wealthy can discover that their relationships become strained. Additionally, they may find that people’s attitudes to them changes, at times seemingly overnight, once they have money. Needless to say, this can create feelings of confusion, and a whole host of other difficult emotions, as the wealthy person feels they are still the same individual they always were.
This perspective doesn’t fit easily with the accepted view of wealth as nothing but wonderful. This is where wealth counselling helps. This specific type of therapy creates a safe space for people who are experiencing challenges with their wealth. In this space, they can take a deep breath and speak with complete honesty about the entire experience of having wealth.
There’s also a difference in adjusting to having money when you have worked diligently and invested your whole life, compared to coming into a big windfall quickly. Examples here could include winning the lottery, or coming into a large inheritance
There’s also a difference in adjusting to having money when you have worked diligently and invested your whole life, compared to coming into a big windfall quickly. Examples here could include winning the lottery, or coming into a large inheritance. Many people in these situations experience a sense of bewilderment as they adjust to their new circumstances.
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Old money can come with challenges too
It can be interesting to note that even someone born into wealth can experience a challenging relationship with that wealth.
It might be all the individual knows to be wealthy. But that doesn’t stop persistent doubts around whether other people really want to know them for themselves or just for their money. More than once, I’ve had individuals from wealthy backgrounds ask with some hurt “am I just a walking £ sign?”
Sometimes inherited wealth comes with its own circumstances that are overwhelming. It’s no surprise that an inheritance only comes through after a death. As a result, many times an inheritance may be accompanied by deep and ongoing grief
Sometimes inherited wealth comes with its own circumstances that are overwhelming. It’s no surprise that an inheritance only comes through after a death. As a result, many times an inheritance may be accompanied by deep and ongoing grief.
There can also be complications when a large legacy is being passed down by a benefactor who insists on micromanaging how the recipient manages and grows their nest egg.
Social isolation is a real problem
In 2015, the Wall Street Journal published an article on wealth counselling and why it was necessary.
One of the examples cited in the article spoke of a young male tech founder.
This tech founder had gone to school and college with the same group of people throughout his life. This group had formed close bonds of friendship as they experienced many rites of passage together, from graduating to securing good jobs to starting families etc. For a long time, this entire group of friends were in the same place, so to speak, in life.
Then the tech founder’s company was bought for a large sum of money and he made a lucrative exit.
Much celebration ensued. And his friends were genuinely happy for him.
But after the celebrations abated, a new reality dawned. The tech founder’s friends, who didn’t suddenly have millions in their bank accounts, didn’t know how to relate to him. Likewise, he no longer knew how to relate to them. A huge portion of common ground had been lost.
This young man experienced an overwhelming sense of social isolation, which impacted severely on his physical and mental health.
This is where the work of wealth counselling comes in.
The whole person underneath it all
Underneath it all, in many ways we are all the same person we were before we received a windfall. Most importantly, the relationships and values that are meaningful to us hold meaning whether we do or don’t have money.
Wealth counselling starts at that level. The focus is on the person, working with them to understand how money can create very real issues. In no small way, wealth counselling is not about money at all.
For some, acknowledging that wealth can be a problem is a necessary step.
As a society, we view money as something that makes life easier and better.
Therefore, it can unleash overwhelming feelings of shame to feel wealth is an issue when so many people do not have enough.
Yet wealth comes with many layers. It’s not a one-dimensional thing.
The newly wealthy entrepreneur could feel justifiably proud about the sale of their business, and a sense of anticipation about the new avenues of possibility their wealth can support. Equally, they could feel guilty that they’re the one who has “hit the jackpot”, instead of their loved ones.
Wealth counselling helps deal with all of this emotional complexity.
